101 Ways to annoy Hermione Granger
by BigBlackEyes
Summary: Suggetions: Tell her Ron has propsed to 'Lav-Lav' in Madam Puddifoot's. These are sure to sent a flock of birds pecking your eyes out your way.
1. Lie to her about her grades

**_I SO hope you like! I dont own any characters except Kelly and by the way I dont have anything against Hermione Granger._**

**Lie to her about her grade**

"Hey Hermione, Hey Hermione, Hey Hermione, Hey-

"STOP!" Hermione screeched but then changed her tone

"What are you here for sweetie?"

"I'm your assistant remember? Kelly?"

"No no…"

"Well doesn't matter. Anyway I was thinking I would just spy and see what your OWL's were so bye!"

"Oh yes please!" she exclaimed eagerly

By this time I was out and in the hall. I can't believe she called me sweetie! I was like 16 but had the heart of a 6 year old so I can see why.

I roamed around making up my lie before heading back to the common room. When I got in she pounced on me knocking me to the ground. Lavender came in just then.

"HERMIONE GET OFF THE POOR PETAL SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!" She started running over and helped me up.

"There you are sweetums!"

When she finally left Hermione fired up.

"SOOOOO! What did I get? Was it good? What did she say? Why aren't you answering my questions?" she rushed all in one breath.

I made my face drop and so did hers. She knew what was coming next.

"I looked on the sheet Mconagall had on her desk and it had Troll for EVERYTHING! It had even said at the bottom the report was an offence to all trolls." I stumbled out barely covering my laughter

"What?" she asked starting to sob.

"Yep!" I said waiting for what would happen next.

Mconagall came in with a flourish and absolutely screamed

"MISS GRANGR YOU HAVE GOTTEN THE MOST ABSOLUTELY BEST RESULTS IN THE HISTORY OF MY TIME HERE AN O FOR EVERYTHING!"

"No I didn't you stupid unicorn turd!" Hermione fried back.

"Ooooooh buuuurnnn!" I said lowly.

"HERMIONE GRANGER YOU HAVE EARNED A DENTENTION WITH FILCH CLEANING THE TIOLETS EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!"

She left with smoke coming out of her ears

Hermione turned to me red in the face

"YOU LIED! YOU IDIOT! I HAVE NOW GOT THE WORST DETENTION IN THE HISTORY OF DENTENTIONS! YOU WILL PAY!"

She started jumping around after me like a madwoman until Ron came in.

"Hermione bloody hell you look like you should be in the loony ward!"

Something collided with his face and it made a whack. It was Hermione's hand.

"YOU RED HEADED LOSER! I FEEL LIKE CRAP AND YOU COME AND INSULT ME!"

She slapped Ron again and then left but not before saying.

"Don't push it too hard Kelly your life is at stake"

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**_Love (Im not les by the way!)_**

**_BigBlckEyes_**

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	2. Tell her ron proposed to lav lav

**Hey guys hope you find it funny! Enjoy!**

**Tell her Ron Proposed to Lavender**

Hermione was sitting in our common eagerly doing her homework although _I_ can't see why anyone would be eager to do it. I quietly walked up to her while devising one of my daily tortures.

" Hey um Hermione I have got some bad news for you."

"I don't believe you!" Hmmmmm. She obviously remembered yesterday

"I am serious! I mean I walked into Madam Puddifoots to meet someone and I saw everyone clustered on the middle of the place so I pushed in to see what was going on and I saw Ron on one knee with Lavender! He was proposing to her he said"-

"HE WAS DOING WHAT!" She screeched like a banshee. I sure the muggles in London would've heard her.

"He was proposing to Lavender! This exactly what he said: Lavender… I love you I want to ask for you hand in marriage! I never liked that bugs bunny Hermione! I have always loved you please say yes!" I finished in a disgusted voice

"It makes me wanna gag." I said

"NOOOOO! THAT IDIOT THAT NO GOOD ROTTEN CHEATER THAT BASTARD THAT PIECE OF CRAP! I HATE HIM ALTHOUGH I LOVE HIM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"God Hermione shut the hall up!" I yelled over her

"I"-

Like perfect timing Ron walked in.

"Hey love" he said putting his arms around Hermione.

"YOU IDIOT YOU GO AND PROPOSE TO THAT BITCH LAVENDER AND THEN WALTZ IN HERE AND HUG ME LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED BUT YOU MUST HAVE ANOTHER THINK COMING!" She then kicked right in the balls

"OOOOH!" He doubled over and stayed like that for a minute then yelled

"I NEVER PROPOSED TO THAT GIRL! I WAS COMING TO PROPOSE TO YOU BUT MABYE I WON'T YOU LITTLE BUSHY HAIRED MONSTER!"

With that he walked away to the boys dorm. Hermione dropped like a hot potato when she realized he was coming to propose to her.

" STOP RON STOP! COME BACK! PLEASE! I AM SO SORRY!" She shouted running to his dorm

"BAHAHAHAHA!"

_**1 HOUR LATER**_

Hermione now came back fresh with a sparkling smile on her face and a sparkling diamond ring to go with it.

"Now I got him I'm going to get you Kelly!" she sneered

I stared running like hell into my dorm and tried to close the door but Hermione's foot was there.

"OWEEEEEE!" She screamed while pushing herself in and for once I pulled out my wand before her and shouted:

"_LEVICORPUS!" _She then got hitched up by her ankle into the air.

"BAHAHAHAHAH!" I laughed as I ran away with her screaming:

"KKKKEEEELLLLLYYYYYY!"

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**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxox_**


	3. Switch her homework

**_Hey guys Just saying I changed Kelly's age. She is 16 kay? Hope you guys enjoy this chapter_**

**Switch her homework**

"_Yawn!_ Thank goodness I am finished with that homework!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yeah you look like crap so hurry up and get to bed!" I said to her

"I DO NOT EVER LOOK LIKE CRAP!" She screeched as she left the common room.

I waited for a couple of minutes in the common room by the fire until I heard soft snoring coming from upstairs. Ron and Harry came in; they were in on my little charade and wanted to help me.

"Harry quickly get the fake homework and lay it on the table, Ron throw away her good homework and I shall put everything in place." They nodded and got to work.

Harry got the homework and out it on the table so I went and got the papers and put them in a neat pile- out of order. Ron threw away the good homework but I knew Hermione would see it so I got out my wand and went to the bin and muttered:

"_Incendio!" _The paper burst into flames and started to alarmingly big when Harry went "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed like a girl "_AGUAMENTI!" _

"BAHAHAHAHAH!" I screeched, my eyes streaming because it was so funny.

Harry got up like he was going to strangle me but Ron stopped him.

" I'm bushed let's go to bed."

Harry went up with Ron. I don't think Harry realized that the fire but through his pants. You could see his pink boxer shorts that had _Barbie_ on it.

I walked up to my sure that my rib was breaking from holding in my giggles. I changed and got into my bed. Pulled the covers right up and giggled as much as I could.

_**The next day…**_

"WAKE UP KELLY!" Hermione screamed right in my face.

" All right you sleep depriver."

A couple of minutes later I had grabbed my homework and went downstairs to see Hermione proudly holding her fake homework. Hehe!

We walked to Transfiguration with Hermione supplying the conversation saying she thought her homework was the best there was. Boy was she wrong!

When we got to class Professor M collected our homework and gave an all mighty shriek when she saw Hermione's.

"Hermione what happened! Are you feeling all right! Are you sure this is your homework?"

"Yes" she stated proudly thinking Professor M was pleased. " Yes that is my essay."

"But dear I don't think you were feeling that well when you did I mean this is what you wrote. "Rats are from mars and chocolate comes from Earth and I think that Transfiguration is too hard! They should make it easier! Baboons have red and pink bottoms and Bellatrix Lestrange is a bitch. I mean dear I agree with you on the Bellatrix bit but this essay had nothing to do with the topic! I am afraid I have to give you a f- and so on"

Hermione was beet red. She smelled a rat and that rat was me.

"KKKKEEEEEELLLLLYY! You slimy slug!"

She jumped up and started chasing me around the classroom. I saw Neville eating a pie secretly in class. I had an idea.

"_Accio pie!"_ The pie flew towards me and I threw it Hermione's hair knowing the pie would take days of washing and magic to get it out.

"KELLY YOU BITCH!"

"_Cough cough" _Uh oh we were still in the classroom.

"Hermione as well as cleaning the toilets you shall be de slugging the gardens with Filch to and NO magic allowed! As for you Kelly I am giving you a fare warning as you did nothing and Neville you have lines to write out at dinner saying I must not eat pie in class 100 times."

When we left Hermione was flaming but all I did was laugh at her.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

When Hermione finally lost it she started chasing me. Her arms out stretched like she wanted to throttle me. Which she did. She looked demented. I mean there was pie in her hair and she was chasing with her arms out and she kept screaming:

"KKKEEELLLYYY!"

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**_Love _**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxox_**


	4. Call her a chimpmunk

**_Hiya! I am SO sorry I havent updated but I have been SO sick! I have been coughing and everything. I even got a REALLY high fever and started gabbling like an idiot. Anyway I need some ideas. Should Kelly have a helper? What about nicknames? What should I call Hermione? Plz say in your reviews! Enjoy this chappie!_**

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**Ask her why she's crying **

Hermione was sitting on the best chair by the fire sobbing and weeping to the extreme while everyone else in the common room was looking at her uncomfortably at the other side of the room.

"Hermione! Why are you crying? What's wrong?" I asked with soggy sympathy and fake concern, running to her.

She wept for a bit while I hugged her and then finally she gave me a reason for hugging her.

She gulped like she was going to wrestle a pit of snakes before answering.

"P-P-Pansy c-c-compared m-m-me t-t-to a ch-ch-ch-chipmunk!"

I just sat there on that red couch thinking what to say and looking confused before saying: "But then why are you so upset? I mean seriously Hermione I thought you valued the honesty of others!"

The girl turned on me and yelled " I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A CHIPMUNK!"

"Really Hermione? I mean your teeth sort of stick out. I mean they always since Harry put that charm on them!"

"BUT I GOT THEM SHORTENED!"

"Well you should have shortened them more because they look like something coming out of a movie!"

"THEY DO NOT!"

"YES YOU DO!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"STOP!" Ginny shouted trying to shut us up. Harry looked sad, as they had been making out happily.

"I WILL NOT SHUT UP!" Hermione yelled as she started chasing me round and round the common room.

I let her at it for a while. Ginny tried to stop her for that while but then saw the look on my face and went back to Harry as they resumed their making out session, in my words their suck face session.

I delved low into my equipped pocket full of lots of things and lots of fluff and pulled out a REALLY big spray can of silly string and turned around quickly.

Hermione was still running towards me when she saw the can. She slowed down very nearly running into me.

"You wouldn't." she said in barely a whisper as she started shuffling away.

"OH YES I WOULD!" I screamed as I ran towards her. Pulling the trigger on the silly string.

"AHHHHHH!"

That was the sound of Hermione screaming as that silly string went on her face.

"YOU- YOU- ARRRGGGHHH!"

"Bye to you too", Hermione as I ran out of the common room and out into the nearest classroom

"KKKKEEEELLLLYYYY!"

I swear even from the classroom I could feel the steam coming from her ears.

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_**Review! Say whether Kelly should have a helper and give me some good nicknames! They will be used! I SWEAR!**_

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxox_**


	5. Compare her to Bugs Bunny

**_Sorry I haven't updated! I have LOADS of homework. REVIEW! Thanks! Enjoy!_**

**Compare her to bugs bunny**

I still hadn't finished with my little tooth raid so I decided to wind Hermy up just a little more.

She was sitting at her desk as usual doing her mountain of homework when I went up to her

"HI HERMIONE!" I screeched in her ear

"AHHHHHH! Oh it's just_ you_ go away you beast."

I then decided to put on an act.

"WAAAAAAHHHH!" I cried even making fake tears spout. "YOU WERE MEAN TO ME!"

Hermione was looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Shhhh! It's okay I'm sorry."

"Okay! Well um Hermione I wanna tell you something well... you remind me of a TV star."

Hermione started glowing with pride. I bet that would stop when I told her whom I was talking about.

"Who is it?" She asked proudly

"Bugs Bunny!" I replied and blushed beet red.

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone laughed.

"Yes!" I carried on. " It's hard to find someone with big enough teeth but you're a spitting image of him!"

"I DO NOT!" She screeched

"YES YOU DO" I screeched back.

"ARRRRRGGGHHHH!"

She started running after me until I pulled out my wand, pointed it at my front teeth and screamed "_INGORGIO!"_ A purple burst of light erupted from my wand and hit Hermione's front teeth and they immediately started growing past the bugs bunny stage.

"DON'T DENY IT NOW HERMIONE YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE!" I screeched.

"KKKEEELLLLYYY!" She cried as I ran away laughing at how big her teeth were getting.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BYE SUCKER!

"NOOOOO!"

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**_xoxoxoxoxoxox_**


	6. Call her a scarlet women

_**Sorry I havent updated I have been quite sick but other than that PLEASE REVIEW and enjoy this chapter!**_

**Call her a scarlet women**

"HERMIONE!" I screamed happily from behind

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed in surprise "What!" She said irritably

She was sitting there with a mountain of homework and she was flushed and very flustered.

"Well nothing too important. I just read that Rita Skeeter article about you Harry and Krum."

Hermione blushed beet red.

"Well it's not true I mean its Rita Skeeter!" She defended indignantly

"Well you know what I think? I think for once that old stag beetle was RIGHT!"

"HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT?

"Because it is true that you are not worthy of either boy and Harry has had more than enough tragedy without a scarlet women coming and ripping his heart out!"

"I AM NOT A SCARLET WOMEN!"

"Yes you are. I mean first it was Harry in the champions tent _remember _and then he saw you and Krum at the Yule ball!"

Hermione blushed again.

"BUT I NEVER WENT FOR HARRY I WAS JUST THERE BECAUSE I WAS VERY SCARED FOR HIM AND HUGGED HIM IN A FRIENDLY WAY!"

"Awwww! You was _scared _for him! But really Hermione practically jumping on him is not a _friendly _hug!"

"B-b-b-but…"

"OY RON GET YOU FRECKLED ARSE DOWN HERE!" (Of course I don't what his but looks like but I think it would be freckled because man I think he has spattergroit!)

"You wouldn't!" Hermione mumbled guessing my plan

"Oh yes I would!"

"Wouldn't do what?" Ron said behind Hermione

"AAAHHHHHH! RON DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"

Ron was laughing so much he could barely talk

"But – its – funny!" He managed to choke out

"Not for me it isn't

"OKAY ENOUGH WITH THE CHIT CHAT! RON DID YOU KNOW THAT HERMIONE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON YOU! SHE GOES BACK AND FORTH FROM HARRY TO KRUM ALTHOUGH OF COURSE HARRY IS HAPPY WITH GINNY SO IT'S MOSTLY KRUM! SHE SAID SHE PREFERS GOOD QUIDDITCH PLAYERS NOT ONES THAT CAN BARELY SAFE A QUAFFLE!" I shouted in explanation so everyone in the common room could hear.

"YOU DON'T THINK THAT I AM GOOD AT QUIDDITCH!" Ron boomed at Hermione.

"W-w-w-well umm you umm can umm"-

"SAFE YOUR BAD BREATH IM SICK OF YOU AND YOUR MAJOR SEEKER CALLED VICKY!"

He stormed away with fire out of his ears.

Hermione turned to me with an extremely angry glare.

"YOU LOST ME MY FIANCE! YOU IDOT. YOU UNICORN TURD!"

"SAME TO YOU HERMIONE!"

"ARRRGGGHHHHHH!"

As usual she started chasing me around the common room until Professor M came in.

"HERMIONE GRANGER ARENT YOU MEANT TO DOING DETENTION WITH FLICH IN THE TOILETS!"

"Y-y-y-y-yes."

"WELL THEN GO AND SEEING AS YOU WERE HARRASING THIS YOUNG SOUL YOU CAN DO AN EXTRA MONTH WITH SO OFF YOU GO!"

"BUT MISS THIS IS MY LAST DAY!"

"DON'T YOU DARE SHOUT BACK AT ME AND YOUR LAST DAY IS IN A MONTH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YYYEEEEEEEESSSSS!" I screamed

"KELLY WHEN I COME BACK I WILL"-

"Presumably have good shower?"

"NO I WILL KILL YOU!"

"NO YOU WON'T I'VE GOT CHARMS CLUB TILL MIDNIGHT!"

"GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"BYE TO YOU TO!"

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO! KKKKEEELLLYY!"

I was smiling the whole way to charms club.

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**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxoxoxox_**


	7. Brush her hair

_**Hey guys srry I havent updated I have been SO busy! And sick for that matter. Anyway now that I am better and have free time I can update as many times I want. ENJOY AND REVIEW!**_

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**Brush her hair**

Hermione was sitting at the couch nearest to the fire reading and knitting her woolen bladders as usual. I went from the back of the couch with a BIG brush in my hand and as soon as I got close enough I attacked her with it.

"OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" She screeched as I pulled at the first lock of hair.

"THIS KNOT IS JUST NOT COMING OFF!" I shouted in an angry voice

"WHAT- OW – ARE – OW – YOU – OW – DOING!"

"TAMING THIS BUSH! WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?" I yelled

"MY HAIR IS NOT A BUSH!" She yelled in a hurt voice

"HERMIONE DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR HAIR? IF YOU DID I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS!"

"I DO TAKE CARE OF MY HAIR!" She yelled close to tears

"ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT NO NEED TO GET ALL HEAVY!" I yelled as I yanked a fistful of her hair with my brush leaving a shiny bald patch.

"OOOOOWWW"-

"HEY HERMIONE LOOK WHAT I DID!" I screamed waving the hank of hair in front of her. " I EVEN LEFT A SHINY BALD PATCH!"

"WHAT? NOOOOOOOO!" She screamed as she checked the mirror. She then stuffed one of her wooly bladders on top.

"Hey Hermy one question: It does not help that you are covering it with a wooly bladder. If you do everyone will know that something is wrong!"

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH YOU LITTLE WHATSIT!" She screamed as she advanced at me looking like she wanted to throttle which she probably did.

"Oh really now?" I asked as I turned on the spot and successfully aparated into the classroom beside the Gryfindoor common room. As Hermione did not know where I was she screamed:

"KKKEEEELLLYYYYYY!" Into a void of emptiness

I chuckled to myself as I walked to the library to do my homework.

**_Thank you for reading! NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO DONT YOU? YES REVIEW! _**

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**_AND TELL ME WETHER I SHOULD KEEP CALLING HERMIONE HERMY IF NOT GIVE SOME IDEAS!_**

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


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